As such, we made the jump back to FIOS who, it turns out, had lowered their prices considerably since we were a "returning customer". The gave us a two year contract with a lower price, and higher speeds, which means our internet future looks pretty solid. That's not to say we won't be looking to make another jump in 2017...but we'll worry about that when it happens.
The moral of the story? It turns out two "phone companies" are better than one. They're both looking to take advantage of you...but they disrespect each other far more than they disrespect your wallet.